From salon.com |
March 17th 2000
This exciting new
tutoriat provides quick clear step by step instructions to editors and publshers on
how to tell hopeful writers that their chances are hopeless.
- - By Stephen J. Lyons
Dear Editor:
Most of the rejection letters I recieve come courtesy of my own hand
printed SASEs, but increasingly the envelope is being used as a medium which
to stuff promotional and subscripton materials from the publicaton that
has rejects my work. Offen I end up owing exactly $.06. Because my
writing operation is small and struggling, even $.06 is a budgetary burden.
In the future,please assume I all ready subscribe to every literary journal and cornmercial
magazine in the free world. Assume I so busy reading your excellent contributon
to our culture's cannon that I don't even have time to feed the cats or the
cockroachs.
Length: Lately,
your rejection letters have been too short, lacking sufficent reason. I am
hereby requiring a two page, single spaced explanations, which must include
attributions and 3 signatures by fully bonded notery publics. You must also
clearly tell me what a notery public is and how to become one. While your at it,
define "Martinizing"
Cover letter: Please do not send me sad narratives about how your
barely surviving, how last mo. you could barely pay the printing costs on the 2
hundred copies you produce twice a year, how your spouse (and/or your young,
adoring MFA graduate student named Heather) is begining to doubt your dreams and
how just last Sat. you had to purchase an inferior Idaho chardonay. Trust that I
am sympathetic to your plight. Do not use the following phrases: "Best of luck
in placing this elsewhere." "Not quite right for us." "I don't know why I'm
rejecting this essay. I just am. "I'd like to publish this but ..."
And to the prof. who inquired about a possible reading of his work in
my area and a place to stay that allowed smoking, large dogs and "robust,
but legal drinking"; I was greatly moved but, of course, I have never heard
of your book of poetry titled "Twelve Ways to View French Cheese"
Your name: Please
ensure that your name is the rejection letter, along with your home address,
phone, number, fax number and the names of your children and pets. Also helpful
would be your schedule: when you home, what hours you usually sleep, where your
children attend school and if your neighborhood is a member of Block Watch.
Rejections with out these items will be
retumed to you at your own expense.
Do not list in-house awards that you either have one or would have one
if not for a jealous colleage who envies your teaching schedule.
Previously sent rejections: We
will not consider previous sent rejections. We want fresh original work. Be
creative. Have fun. Multiple rejections make us mad. Very mad. Some reasons we
might return or dislike your rejection.
1. Your rejection
lacked sincerety.
2. Your rejection
was not sighed.
3. Your rejection
letter was illegible because of coffee or whine stains
4. This letter did
not include the word "luminous"
5. You signed your
name with the title Dr. (We reserve the title doctor only for those individuals
who work within a hospital setting, not those who toil in an Enlgish department
and who have a doctorate in American literature with a specalty in "Alaskan
contemporary writers."
5. Your letter was
signed "Poetry editor" or "Fiction Editor."
6. You never thanked
me for sending you my work.
7. Your letter
contained mispellings and a cruel use of exclimation marks.
8. You used the word
sorry.
9. Your letter was
written by someone named Allison, Amber, Brandy or Tiffany.
10. Your letter was
written by someone who was born after 1985.
Checking on the status of your rejections: Allow
10 to 14 mos. to hear from us regarding the status of your rejection. If a burly
man dressed in leather named Vinnie has not "contacted" you or a closed member
of your family with in that time, please feel free to resend. If you never hear
from us, assume Vinnie has had trouble with a bale bondsman or the "three
strikes, your out" law. Be patent. The best things in life are always worth
waiting for -- and your time is coming.